How I use “The Five Love Languages” to have better relationships

Communication and connection are two essential things in my life.

They are also the reasons I am always researching and learning new ways to understand people around me and myself. 

I regularly had difficulty, when in a conversation, to truly understand what some people were trying to communicate to me. Even in my relationship, I’d often feel frustrated because I believed I couldn’t fully demonstrate my love in a way my partner would understand.

When I first heard about The 5 Languages of Love, I was very excited and took the test immediately, plus started recommending it to all my friends. 

One curious thing is that my three closest friends have as their first language: Quality Time, the same as mine! No wonder we are so close and understand each other so well.

Photo by Greg Raines on Unsplash

When I got clarity on mine and discovered what they meant, I started paying attention to all my actions during the day, what I expected of others, including what specific actions on their part made me feel loved. 

Needless to say, it truly blew me away. Not only everything perfectly matched, but I also started analyzing some patterns of my closest friends to try and guess what their number one language was. 

The beautiful part of understanding your language is it gets that much easier to feel, and once you get theirs, to show love for those around you. Knowing your needs means you know how to ask for it; also, you can appreciate it when someone makes an effort. 

Although I am not a physiologist, I usually combine this knowledge with The VAK Learning Styles Model, which was developed by psychologists in the 1920s to classify the most common ways that people learn. According to the model, most of us prefer to learn in one of three ways: visual, auditory, or kinesthetic.

Let me give you an example of how I combine them both. If someone’s number one love language is Words of Affirmation, that probably means their primary learning style model is auditory. Knowing this means I have to say compliments and words of affirmation to this person. 

If it’s Receiving Gifts, for instance, they’re probably visual, and I need to show them, in a physical, concrete way what I’m trying to convey. And that won’t work for the former.

Isn’t it fascinating? I love knowing this because it helps me connect with people on a deeper level. It makes it easier for me to understand what they are trying to say to me genuinely. 

Here’s a summary of the five love languages:

Quality Time 

Nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but genuinely being there – with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby – makes you feel exceptional and loved. 

Receiving Gifts 

Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. They are visual representations of love and are treasured much.

Words of Affirmation 

Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Kind, encouraging, and positive words are truly life-giving.

Physical Touch 

Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face – they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial.

Acts of Service 

Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most wants to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Finding ways to serve speaks volumes to the recipient of these acts.

Please check out this link for further explanations by Dr. Gary Chapman.

Photo by Tyler Nix on Unsplash

If you’re curious about yours, visit the website, take the test and ask your partner, friends, and family to join you. Make sure you share the results and write it down so you can work on speaking their languages more often.

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2 thoughts on “How I use “The Five Love Languages” to have better relationships”

  1. My wife and I read this when we started dating 17 yrs ago! Her top love language is Quality Time and mine is Words of affirmation (but I always joke it’s all of them….I love them all:)) It still serves us today after 17 yrs together

    1. George!! Love the reflection. Haha I love them all as well and also how powerful they are to improve our communication skills 🙂

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